There has been something happening over the past six months with our family that has brought us immense joy, and I’m happy to finally be able to share the full story with you all. In a sense, the story probably goes back even further than six months. I don’t remember the first time I played Cards Against Humanity or even the first time I participated in one of their events. There have been many over the years: buying a bag of onions, chipping in for land along the Mexican border to keep Trump from building his wall, celebrating 12 days of holiday bullshit, and more. One that particularly stands out for me though was the Black Friday 2021 when they offered participants $5 to perform various tasks. We all had a great time attempting various challenges together and even scored a payout for digging a hole.
While all of those previous events were a lot of fun, I think it’s safe to say we reached the summit of Mt. CAH this past November with the 99% off sale. With Zoe home from school, and not much happening other than a strong desire to avoid shopping, we all enthusiastically dove into the opportunity to buy whatever CAH was selling at a massively discounted price. The first item up, a $40 Labubu on sale for just 40 cents, introduced us to how the game would work. A captcha featuring 15 Labubu-like dolls appeared and we were tasked with identifying the ones that were 100% real. The girls all had a pretty good handle on how to tell a Labubu from a Lafufu and we were all able to solve the puzzle within the 12 minute time limit.
The second item, a $1,999 100 inch TV, on sale for $19.99, helped us refine our strategy for teamwork. The captcha required us to identify the images of ports that the exact model of TV on offer had. While one of us searched the model number for a list of ports that it contained, someone else began doing some reverse image searching to identify ports we didn’t recognize. A third person began working on some guesses (thankfully we were allowed to make multiple wrong attempts, although the puzzle did re-randomize each try), and the fourth coordinated the various tasks. Again, we all solved the puzzle within the time limit, but with only one available we weren’t too surprised that none of us got the opportunity to actually complete the purchase.
We pressed on for the rest of the morning and into the afternoon successfully getting past the captcha stage for most items: Indiana Jones’s actual hat, CAH’s latest game Shit List, a human skull, a Hermes Birkin Bag, a LEGO Millennium Falcon (the prize I was most disappointed to not pass the captcha for), Gerald Ford’s pardon of Richard Nixon, and much much much more. By late afternoon we realized that we quite probably weren’t going to win an actual prize, but we also didn’t care much since we were having such a good time playing.
But then we arrived at a listing for “Portrait of a Noble Lady as St. John the Baptist (1500s)”. It was described as “Actual, real Renaissance art” that “Depicts St. John the Baptist as a child with the head of some rich lady.” It was also noted to be “perfect for art collectors with poor eyesight” and there is “one nipple visible.” The captcha asked us to identify things that John the Baptist was the patron saint of. We again divided the responsibilities. Someone looked up things he is patron saint of (baptism, tailors, booksellers, innkeepers, convulsions, hail, Quebec, Florence, Turin, among others) while the rest of us began tackling the images (is that Elizabeth Taylor or just some lady? Florence or Venice?) and ruling out wildcards (why is there a picture of a fish kissing a lobster?). And then, this happened:
Ellie actually, for real, won the painting! After the celebration died down and the shock wore off I did get her my credit card to pay the $29 and make it official. We also somehow managed to keep playing as we tried for other prizes. Before long though, we decided it was time to head out for dinner. Zoe insisted that during dinner we would all put our phones away and just talk to each other, but we quickly shot that down. Generally, we’d all completely agree with her, but this was no ordinary scrolling on one’s phone type of situation. We were actively working together on this game and we needed to see it through to the end. So I think it’s fair to say that even Zoe was excited when this happened:
That’s right, we added a $1,000 woodchipper to our winnings for the day by correctly identifying all the things that were made of wood from the captcha. We also enjoyed burgers and old fashioneds unlike anywhere else (RIP Burger Antics). But this is only the beginning of the story! A few days later we received our first email from Maria at CAH who would become our companion in actually getting our “purchases” from their current locations to their destinations.
First up was the woodchipper. There’s probably not a lot of people who actually have a use for a a 9-Horsepower Gas powered chipper, but we happened to own 40 acres of pinon and juniper that the pine beetle made its way through a couple decades ago. While the forest has recovered well there are many downed trees ripe for chipping in order to reduce the available fuel for wildfires. Our request to change the shipping address from Illinois to Colorado was the first curveball that came Maria’s way. This chipper is a BEAST of a machine and it was sitting, fully assembled, in Chicago. What could have been a 20 minute drive to drop it off was now a cross country logistics project. BUT, Maria and CAH made it happen! They took it apart and boxed it up and over spring break I was able to put it back together to start tackling a pile of downed wood.
Meanwhile, Ellie’s painting was still in Italy! I don’t think any of us had anticipated the challenge of getting actual Renaissance art out of the E.U. and into the U.S. I’m certain that there’s much more to the story than I’m aware of, but the details I do know include a first permit for exporting the painting, that permit not being correct and the painting being sent back to the gallery, the gallery closing for a monthlong winter vacation, a second (different) permit to export from the E.U., and importing to the U.S. in the age of tariffs. Finally, on April 22nd, five months from Black Friday, the painting arrived.
Of course, it’s not possible to have a giant wooden crate with Fragile all over it without reenacting A Christmas Story.
And she’s now proudly hanging in her new home (at least until Ellie decides she’s ready to take her).
BUT THE STORY STILL ISN’T OVER!!! When Maria came to deliver her Molly mentioned that we were thinking about having a “One Nipple Out” Grand Unveiling party for her. Maria was delighted at that idea and arranged a shipment of every game CAH makes to us along with some extras for party gifts, and the party was on. We sent out invites to everyone we knew, planned a nipple making station for anyone who came without a plan for the theme, and ordered a cake featuring the painting. We also arranged a game where partygoers had to identify whether John the Baptist was the patron saint of the things in the images that we had to identify to win. We played ALL the games, sipped on champagne, and of course told the Noble Lady’s story before Ellie dramatically unveiled her.
We all want to thank everyone who attended for a really fun night! We also want to thank everyone at CAH, especially Maria, for making this whole crazy thing happen. The entire chain of events was a roller coaster of a story that we’ve told countless times, and will undoubtedly be telling for years to come.
